update

life sure is a mess right now. Bobby is being a butt and it looks like our marriage is over with. it's not what i want but it's what he wants. he is super angry at me for leaving and taking the boys but i did what i had to do for me and my babies. i will not be made to feel guilty for that,. i did nothing wrong. he has not seen his boys in 3 weeks but thats not my fault. all i asked was that it be supervised for a few visits and he refussed to do it that way so he has not seen or talked to them. i am going to speak with a lawyer tomorrow and i may have to let him have harry unsupervised even if i don't want it. the boys have finally settled down and adjusted to there new home . we are still at my moms until rental assistance comes through which i hope is soon. i never thought my life would turn out this way. he said he would love me forever and i guess forever is not as long as i thought. it will be our 4 year anniversery this Thursday. i guess marriage means nothing to him. i know i was the one to leave but devorce is not what i wanted only a temperary seperation until we could work things out. oh well i guess lifes that way sometimes.

changes

today is going to be a huge change for the boys and mommy as we move out on our own. we are going to stay with my mom and then hopefully will have a place of our own soon. it's scary to go from a family of 4 to a family of 3 but i know that i am a strong person and can handle this. Plus i have lots of support from friends and family. I'm not so much worried about me but the boys and how they will adjust to not having daddy around. I am hoping they are young enough to not really notice to much, well at least i know Ethan is young enough. So i will be MIA for a while but will update when i am able to. so wish me luck and send tons prayers my way for a safe transition. Rena

i had to do it

i had to spank Harry this morning. I was in the kitchen and he was in the living room. Ethan was in his swing sleeping. I here Ethan screaming and when i walk around the corner from the kitchen Harry is on top of Ethan and Ethan's head is pushed forward. I snatched him off of Ethan and gave him 3 swats on the butt, put him on the couch and picked up Ethan to make sure he was ok. Once i was sure he was ok i went back to Harry and told him mommy love's him but he can not do that. He needs to be gentle with Ethan. I'm not sure what he understands but he can't do that. He hasn't messed with him since we first brought Ethan home. I felt like a bad mommy but i don't know how else to get him to stop. I don't like spanking but what other chooses do i have. any one reading this who has a suggestion i'd appreciate it greatly. I did take Harry to McDonald's and to the park thinking that maybe he was feeling neglected by me. I had to bring Ethan with but I don't think Harry minded since he had mommy. I guess thats the end of this post. thanks for reading. Rena

can i just say

I LOVE being a mom. I feel so needed and loved, by my boys at least. I strive every day to let them know and to show them that i love them with all my heart.

i'm so bad

i was reading something and all i could think was here's your sign. Ever think some one does something so stupid that you want to hand them a sign? Well maybe they learned there lesson and wont be so stupid next time. I know that's bad of me to think and say but it is what it is.

I'm a failure

Well at least i feel like one. I was not able to breast feed my baby. I did give him 3 weeks of mommy milk but then when all his pain and crying started, i thought i was the cause of his pain. May be something i was eating was causing it, so i stopped pumping and giving him what i pumped. While it was not a lot of milk i was getting out he was at least getting some of milk. So i failed him.

Colic sucks

Poor Baby Ethan has colic along with gas issues. It just breaks my heart to hear him cry in such pain. Last night was the worst night for him and I am hoping and praying that, that is the only night we have like that. I took him to the pedi because I had no idea what was wrong with him. His pedi is a wonderful woman and gave me some suggestions I can use to comfort him. She gave him a full look over and the only thing she found wrong with him was his belly button is infected. I still wonder if that could be the cause of some of his pain. We go back next week for a well baby check up and I am hoping it's much better. My mom took Harry home with her so Ethan and I could rest and relax. Can I just say I love my mommy. She is a wonderful grandma and mom.

If i had to choose

Since i don't have many readers i thought it would be safe to post this in my blog.If i ever had to choose between my babies or my husband i would choose my babies. Why because they need me. Things have changed between my hubby and i. We seem to be fighting more often again and he makes me feel guilty for protecting my babies. I hate to see them get hurt so i am always telling Harry to be careful, watch what you are doing, don't do that. I would think any mother would do the same to protect her little ones. I know they have to make mistakes and some times get hurt but they are so little i want to protect them. I hope the changes between hubby and i are just a adjustment stage. I guess only time will tell. sorry if this is just a ramble.

Baby Ethan

Baby Ethan is 4 days old today and i thought i'd share some pics of him and we can't forget big brother Harry.

baby time

Amnio results show a baby with developed lungs. so Thursday morning at 7am i will start my induction. I am already 1cm dilated so i only have 9 to go right:o) Positive thinking is the way to go. My mom took Harry home with her and will care for him till we come home. Can i just say I love my mom so much. she's just been so wonderful this whole pregnancy. taking me to my appointments and sitting with me during my amnio. just knowing she was there helped me greatly. And all of my wonderful friends who have so supportive mean so much to me as well. I just know there is a special place in Heaven for them. So the next time i update this blog i hope to have pics of the newest addition to our family. Any prayers that you want or can spare would be great.

thinking good thoughts

tomorrow is my amnio and i am hoping and praying for mature lungs. I am praying that since my doctor is on call that she doesn't have to go over to the hospital at the time of my amnio because that would just suck. I'm scared and a little extra emotional tonight and just not sure what to do about it. but oh well it is what it is.

random pics

just thought I'd share some random pics that i took with my new camera. hope you enjoy.

Date Night

Hubby and I had a date night last night and it was wonderful. Let me just say that God is so good. we filed our income taxes really really late and didn't think we were going to get anything back because of student loans but yesterday low and behold were 2 checks. Hubby and I were able to go out on the town and not worry about anything. We of course did not go over board but had a wonderful time. Let me just say we would of had a wonderful time had this money not come in but it sure did ease both of our minds. My in laws were wonderful and took care of Harry who as of this writing is still sleeping and never seems to sleep past 7 am so they must of really had a good time with him as well. So YAY for date night and we need to do it more often. the last time we had one was Sept 2009 and that's way to long to wait for another. Hope you all have a blessed Sunday and if my little guy gets up in time we plan on going to church but this mommy is not going to wake him so we can go.

Baby Ethan update

Well as of today i am 35 weeks 5 days and oh so ready for Ethan to be here. We have been doing NST's 2x's a week for over a month now and Ethan has passed every one of them. Thought today was going to be another long day with trying to find him but he was a good boy and we found him right away. He was being good it was mommy's blood pressure that would not behave. it has steadily been on the rise for several weeks as well. I did a 24 hour protein this past week and should have the results when i go for my weekly appointment unless something is extremely off with it they said not to worry but if i am feeling off in any way to call and they will get me in ASAP. I am having a growth u/s this coming week and get to register at the hospital. I plan on starting to walk more in hopes i can help mother nature do her job. My body must be getting ready because today while trying to nap i was having some sharp pains other wise it's just Ethan trying to claw his way out. I hope to be able to post some pics of the little stinker when i get home from the growth u/s this week. On a side note Hubby and i are going on a date night. have not had one of those since Sept 09 and probably wont get another one for a while after Ethan is here but that's ok i'd rather be at home with m y babies any way.

asking for help

Why is it i have such a hard time asking my hubby to help me with house hold chores? My kitchen is a disaster and hubby has offered many times to help if I'd only ask him. today it came down to him telling me he's not waiting for me to ask any more. it's obvious i need help. I told him other pregnant women can do it . I'm sorry I'm so tried so i nap when harry naps. He wasn't saying i was lazy he told me that i am not other pregnant women. i need to ask for his help. But why is it so hard for me? I don't know, it's a mystery.

I hate teething

Harry's 2 year old molars are popping through and for the most part he is a happy little boy but i can tell they are bothering him. i'm trying to keep him comfy and pray they pop through quickly. The only good thing i think that comes with teething is the extra cuddle time he is letting me give him.

self defense

It's kind of funny how toddlers defend themselves. We had company for a few days and let me say i am so happy they are gone. I love my friend but not her daughter but that's another story. So my friend N took me to the hospital for my weekly NST and she and her daughter took care of Harry. Well because Ethan was being a stinker it took 1 hour 10 min. to get what they needed so when i finally get done and go and find my friend she tells me that Harry bite her and her daughter. I guess i should of been mad at Harry for biting but this is the reason i'm not mad. My friends daughter had been picking on him from the time we left the house. He would scream and cry at her but she kept picking on her. I guess he finally had enough so he bite her. I say way to go baby. I'm not for biting but what's a little guy who doesn't talk supposed to do, i guess any thing necessary. If i had been there i could of stopped her from bothering him but i had already told her not to pick on him, he's already not happy because his 2 year old molars are coming in so of course he's cranky. Harry is of course very happy to have it just be Mommy and daddy again and DH is not happy because of what my friends daughter was doing to Harry. So i hope every one is enjoying there weekend and a little bit of peace and quiet.

showing Mommy he's a big boy

Harry is growing up so fast and i don't like it. I've been struggling with what to feed him because one day he likes something and then the next he wont touch it. For instance, when ever i cut up grapes for him he puts it in his mouth and then spits it out but tonight after cutting one in half and spitting it out he helped himself to the ones mommy was eating and ate them whole. He didn't want mommy to cut them for him he wanted to do it himself. the little stinker ate probably 15 grapes because he got to pull them off the stem himself. It's like he's telling me he's a big boy and can do it all by himself. I am in the process of making a list of things he likes and will eat with no problem and the things he doesn't like and the last time i tried giving it to him. I want him to have a balanced diet but sometimes i feel like a bad mommy because all he will eat is junk or at least that's how it seems. hoping i'm not the only mommy who feels that way sometimes. sorry if i rambled but thanks if you read all the way through.

scary night in the trailor park

Oh boy did we have a storm last night. It almost seemed like a tornado was moving through. It knocked our lights our from 7 pm last night till 2:30pm today. So very thankful it was not a real hot day today because I'm not sure Harry and I could of handled that. I was able to catch a awesome rainbow which turned into a double rainbow after the rain stopped. It was so beautiful. It just amazes me that such a destructive storm can have something so wonderful afterwards.
on a side not generic diapers SUCK. Harry had a blow out at my OB appointment yesterday and my mom had a fun trying to clean him up. My mom bought some Huggies for me so i don't have to use the generic ones ,well at least not until i run out. The funny part is Harry learned a new word. Caa caa. He thinks it's a funny word to. We went to Walmart afterwards and i asked him if made caa caa and he'd giggle and then said caa caa. so cute. He also said HI for the first time today. Love to here little words coming from him.

what a cute big brother

Yesterday i was sitting by the computer and Harry wanted to see my belly.So i backed up and let him look. He started playing peek a boo with it. it was so cute. I asked him where his baby brother was and he poked my belly and kissed it. I just hope he isn't jealous when Ethan gets here. I'm going to have to try and get it on camera.

it's the little things in life

It's the little things in life that make me happy. Like we finally got a dryer today so i am more then happy to do laundry. Being 8 months pregnant was making taking loads of wet cloths to the laundry mat a real chore. Oh and having pineapple sherbet for dessert with my little guy.

wow didn't think this was still here

it's been a long time since i blogged. i even forgot it was here until i stumbled on it today. i guess i should try and keep up with it now that i found it again. i follow several blogs and it seems to be a great way to keep up with friends and say what ever i want.